I’ve been dreading writing this blog post. Recently, I had a bad body image week and experienced a bit of an eating disorder relapse — ugh. This felt like a huge setback in my mind, especially because I’ve been so vocal about promoting eating disorder recovery.
To be clear, this wasn’t a full-blown relapse like I had at the start of the pandemic. Rather, this was a few days of giving in to that eating disorder voice telling me I needed to change my body to feel better about myself.
In the spirit of being honest and open of the ups and downs of recovery (after all, that’s what I set out to do when I launched my blog!), I’ll share what this slump was like and how I overcame it.
What causes an eating disorder relapse?
It wasn’t like I woke up and decided to suddenly forget about everything I learned in therapy. There were a few factors involved in this particular incident.
- I made the huge mistake of weighing myself, which I rarely do. I had bought a scale because that had been part of my recovery process at the start of the pandemic, when my therapist and I were working on finding a “set point” weight range. Now that I no longer need it, that scale is going back into storage, to be used strictly for weighing cats and luggage only.
- I was also going through PMS, and already felt more bloated and moody than usual. Apparently, period-related body dysmorphia is a very real condition. According to a Healthline article, people with period-related body dysmorphia will temporarily see flaws in their body that are small or nonexistent around that time of month. The article recommends keeping track of your mood (to remind yourself these feelings are temporary), boosting your self-care and avoiding stress as much as possible.
- The weather was starting to warm up, so I was going through the transition of packing away bulky winter clothes and pulling out lighter spring/summer clothes. It triggered me to see that some of last year’s clothes didn’t fit as comfortably as I remembered. It didn’t feel great. How could I have turned this negative into a positive? Well, our bodies weren’t meant to fit into clothes — clothes are supposed to fit us. Looking back, I now consider this an opportunity to do some shopping, while selling or donating my ill-fitting garbs.
What helps bounce back after an eating disorder relapse?
- Taking a social media break – When my body image is already low, I know that going on social media just causes a cycle of compare-and-despair. So I read some books instead. Then I logged back onto social media later to message friends, since connecting meaningfully with others makes a positive difference.
- Accepting that body images days do happen – Bad days, whether they have to do with body image or not, are part of life. We see the body positivity movement being promoted a lot but I prefer body neutrality, which is about observing your body without judgement. You don’t need to “feel beautiful” when you’re practicing body neutrality because your body is just a small speck of your overall being that has no connection to your self-worth.
- Reminding myself that tomorrow is a new day – It’s scary to think I’m going through a downwards spiral. I have a quotation hanging above my desk that reads: “This too shall pass.” And it will! Deep breath in, deep breath out.
- Journalling – I’ve praised journaling before on my blog and I won’t stop recommending it to help with mental health. I really enjoy looking back at previous journal entries for inspiration to keep moving forward, one baby step at a time.
- Having compassion for myself – In the midst of a mini-relapse like the one I had, it’s difficult to think clearly. The eating disorder voice can feel so loud and overbearing. Writing this post helped me understand this was a one-off situation, and that I have the tools and resources to commit to full recovery.
Recovery is an ongoing, lifelong process. I remember once reading something along the lines of if you aren’t actively fighting against your eating disorder, you’re giving in to it. There’s no middle ground.
I’ve thought about the risks of slipping backwards. If I’m sick, there’s no way I can continue the advocacy work that I currently do. It’s as simple as that. And that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
No one is perfect, we all have bad days and we also have the strength to bounce back from those bad days. Onwards and upwards!
I loooove your honesty here! It’s encouraging to know that we all go through struggles! Everyone is on a journey healing from something. Bad days are okay so long as we have the strength to move past them and not dwell on them! It’s normal to get down and struggle, but we DO have the power to push ahead! Great post 🙂
I so appreciate the feedback, thank you Skye! This wasn’t an easy post to write, but I’m learning that the more vulnerable posts are the ones that seem to resonate most with others. We’ve all got something going on, whether it’s body or food related issues or not, so building off our inner strength is key.
I’m glad that you’ve come thru this tough spell and I’m sorry that you had to go thru it…Mental health , all possible manifestations, have this quality. BRAVA !!!
Thank for the unconditional love and support! It’s always appreciated through eating disorder recovery and beyond ❤️